J to the W

Me: Hello there…wow, you’ve caught the sun huh?
Customer: No, I’m an alcoholic.

…at this stage, I believe I crawled around on all fours looking for a dignified place to die. I think people should never, ever have to have this kind of conversation.

Speaking of being an embarrassment to yourself and the community, my day has been undoubtedly brightened by a visit from the local sect of a certain religious group, beginning with ‘J’ and ending in ‘Witnesses’. Their generosity shall remain unquestioned, as they furnished me with two lovely magazines to peruse at my leisure. One contained this heartfelt, yet effective advertising:


…presumably, if the gurning white family in the fake plastic picture really were South African, they would be leaning in that fashion to conceal their horrific bullet wounds.
Other highlights of the magazine included ‘Homosexuality…and how to avoid it’, ‘The Hardworking Laundrymen of Abidjan’, and the ‘Immorality of Speed Dating’. With winners like that, I’m seriously considering converting. To help me decide, I thought it was best that I had some correspondence with them, before taking the plunge…

‘Dear Sir,

I write in connection to your local disciples, who graciously peddled their beliefs to me by having the audacity to visit my place of work. They distributed two fine magazines, and I would just like to clarify a couple of points with you, if you would be courteous enough to oblige me:

Are volcanoes really a result of mankind’s sins? Are they not just geographical phenomena, primarily instigated by tectonic plate shift and the resulting fault lines?

Does Psalm 119:37 and Colossians 3:5 really tell us to “Shun pornography and gay propaganda, which will only fuel wrong thoughts…”? I was merely curious on this one, because I was unsure that people who lived in biblical times knew the words ‘pornography’, ‘gay’, and ‘propaganda’.

If you would be so kind as to elaborate on these issues, it would brighten my day. I congratulate you on a balanced and morally functional publication.

Yours Sincerely…’
I assume his response shall be written on actual papyrus paper, made exclusively from reeds that touched the baby Moses. Either way, it’ll be flammable.