Advanced apologies.
Let’s get this straight. I ENTIRELY realise that ‘Harry Potter’ is a book written for children.
Right, with that out of the way, I feel it’s necessary to write an alternate ending, after the crushing disappointment of the last one. Admittedly, my version possibly won’t reach as many readers, but surely I can’t be far off.
Harry Potter & the Relentless Absurdity
[ENTER Harry and Ron, flying into the grounds of Hogwarts via a car they happened to ‘find’ in the woods. You know, whilst fighting a giant bat, or something]
‘Harry! It’s a great thing we managed to fly that car! I’m so glad my dad taught me the unnecessary ability of driving, we’d have never made it past that Troll otherwise!’ Ron shouted with unabashed glee. His ginger face glowed in the moonlight.
‘I know Ron, it’s really quite amazing how all of these side plots fit together into one main premise!’ Harry wasn’t genuinely amazed, he had appeared in the preceding six books, and had a basic grasp on how the plot was structured. However, he had to humour Ron, as he was the token simpleton.
‘Behind you Harry!’ Ron screamed, with fear evident all over his glowing ginger face.
Harry quickly twisted to face the Dementors. ‘Expecto Patronum!’ shouted Harry, and a ludicrously suitable spell quashed the foes chances.
‘Phew! I thought we’d had it then!’ shouted Ron, who had clearly learnt nothing from the former six books he had also appeared in, and whose use of the exclamation mark was becoming tiresome.
‘Come on Ron, pay attention! We have to find Voldemort! Harry insisted to Ron, whose four second memory span had caused him to stare blankly at an amusing tree. Harry pondered to himself why he had not chosen a more perceptive sidekick all those years ago.
‘Oh…ok! Sorry Harry!
‘It’s ok! Let’s go! Jump on my broom!
Harry’s scar had started to sting, which signalled to him that the Dark Lord was approximately 1.653 kilometres away, was feeling slightly melancholy, and was wearing sandals.
‘Quick! To the tallest tower!
‘Harry, we can’t travel any faster than we already are, it is a technical impossibility.’
Ron’s misplaced logic was unwelcome in a book about child wizards.
‘I just know Voldemort will be there! He’s planning his next vile deed!’
The broom cut through the sky and was lost in shadow by the schools towers that surrounded them.
‘Look!!’
Ron had spotted Hermione far beneath them, who was on her way to the library. Despite his inferior intelligence, Ron knew that this was because she needed to provide an adequate plot point later in the chapter.
‘She’ll be fine Ron, books never hurt anyone!’ chuckled Harry, who appeared to have forgotten the fact that he was once killed, by a book.
They soared on, and headed straight to the tallest, and most, like, evil looking tower they could see. Hagrid waved them on encouragingly from a nearby balcony, where he was probably touching an animal of some sort. Harry and Ron both thanked the lord that Hagrid was not anywhere near them, as his personal hygiene was deeply offensive to all.
‘Look!!’ screamed Ron, who desperately needed to expand his diminishing vocabulary.
The Dark Lord was indeed, on the top of the scariest looking tower, which didn’t match the rest of the building at all. How apt, Harry thought, that there would be a creepy looking tower like that in an otherwise pleasant school.
‘POTTER!’ screamed Voldemort, with a strange undead-like idiom.
Harry rubbed at his scar and thought of his dead parents. Four readers around the world commit suicide.
‘At last we meet.’
Despite sounding sinister, this was a fundamental lie. It was at this stage that Harry took the sensible decision not to remind the Dark Lord of the several occasions that they had met, fought and shared blood before, but to start formulating a plan.
Harry and Ron landed smoothly on the top of the tower, and disembarked the broom.
‘You’re going down Voldemort!’ Harry squealed in an affected drama school accent. The plan was going swimmingly.
‘WAIT!’ Ron shouted, hoping to get their attention.
‘But…but…I’m not cool or important enough to play a main role in this finale, and I’m not minor enough as a character to be a have-a-go-hero who comes to save the day right at the crucial moment, so, what is my part in this?!’
Voldemort reached beneath his ghostly robes and pulled out a six-barrel revolver, and proceeded to dispense six volleys of lead into Ron’s big stupid glowing face.
‘Thank you.’ said Harry, with heartfelt gratitude.
‘Your unnecessary manners and largely unfounded valour won’t save you now Potter!’
The Dark Lord had become excited by the prospect of Harry’s demise. Harry knew this because he was jumping up and down on the spot, and holding a balloon.
Harry stared into Voldemort’s cold, dead eyes and wondered how his parents had felt when facing him. He was looking at his parent’s soulless killer. Three more people around the world kill themselves.
He must avenge them! But how?!
Suddenly, Hermione appeared as if out of nowhere, grasping a pamphlet entitled ‘How to conclude the final book in the least feasible way possible.'
‘Harry! I think you need to see this!’ she shouted, as if to indicate some element of urgency.
‘Not right now Hermione! I’m trying to kill him, and emerge as the obvious hero!’ Harry was boss, and didn’t need help from the annoying clever girl. How he wished Voldemort had bullets left.
Harry had a plan.
‘Hey Voldemort! Look over there! It’s a flying…plane.’
Harry’s on the spot wit had let him down once more. The Dark Lord wasn’t falling for that.
‘Hermione! What is that killing charm?!’
‘But Harry, You don’t have enough personality to be charming! You have less charm than a dead snake charmer!
‘Now is not the time for child friendly jokes, Hermione.’ This said, Harry had known that what she’d said was true, as his personality was about as sterile as the alcohol gel in a fertility clinic.
‘Killio Deadium!’ Voldemort screamed as he pointed his wand at Harry’s bemused face. What on earth could that spell do, Harry wondered.
As a simple matter of precaution, Harry dived dramatically to his left, as he has been taught in Diving To The Left class, and dodged the Dark Lord’s curse with ease....
...yes. I realise I haven't finished this. If you think you're bored reading, try writing it.
